The Apology |
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The words
How many of those statements have you heard, and said, over your lifetime? Probably thousands. We are constantly colliding with each other in one way or another and needing to clear things up. If you are a parent, you probably taught your children to say them. I remember too many times, when breaking up a sibling altercation, insisting on a mutual apology. This insistence generally came after fruitless efforts to find out what really did happen. As a rule, however, that forced apology at best sounded like a muttered and resentful "I'm sorry." And then one or both would add an under-the-breath coda, "but it was all your fault." It's all your faultThat's the problem. The statement: "It's all your fault," works as the common thread weaving its way through every one of the apologies stated above. These statements really say: "If you hadn't been so immature, so stupid, so lacking in a sense of humor, so prickly, so sensitive, so out of line . . . then I wouldn't have to face the awkwardness of an apology." But there is another, far more insidious commonality in the unspoken message behind all these statements: "Because it is all your fault, I have no real responsibility here." Let me illustrate with a story, having changed the names and some of the circumstances. And before I proceed further, I will mention that I never should have become involved. But I did, much to my regret. Recently, a dear friend, Nancy, in the midst of some really awful personal circumstances, found herself face-to-face with Roy, another friend of mine. Roy made some comments that she found threatening and inappropriate and which also embarrassed her deeply. There were other people present at the time, so she attempted to laugh the comments off. I live some distance away and was at the time on a consulting job across the country, but Nancy and I were staying in close touch by phone and e-mail during this crisis. Nancy told me what Roy had said and done, and I became utterly enraged. I felt this huge protectiveness for my distressed friend--and conveniently forgot that she simply needed a place to ventilate and was not asking for rescue. I e-mailed Roy and lambasted him. (Yes, I did apologize myself later for this.) Roy wrote back with his viewpoint of what had happened and requested that I explain his actions to Nancy. I did manage one healthy act here. I thanked Roy for his explanation, but told him that I would not act as messenger for him--I had already overstepped my responsibilities once and chose not to repeat that error. Roy phoned Nancy and left a message, "Christy told me that you had misunderstood me. I want to apologize for your misunderstanding." Nancy called me and said, "What on earth is going on here?" And I just groaned. Roy's message to Nancy relieved him of all responsibility. He didn't do anything wrong--it was Nancy who misunderstood. His message indicated that the embarrassment, hurt and dismay she experienced had nothing to do with him but resulted because of her lack of maturity and adequate discernment to see through the inappropriate words and actions to the genuineness of his heart. The fault was hers: she had not accurately read his mind. Realistically speaking, we must ask if any of the misunderstanding could have been Nancy's fault. Probably, for rarely in any disagreement will we find one totally innocent party--it's all a matter of degree. But that is not the issue here. Instead, we need to focus on the message behind Roy's words and the words of all the often used apologies above. Definition of an apologyA true apology, the act of asking for forgiveness, seeks one thing: the restoration of a relationship. When we confess our wrongs to God, we do so with the hope that when forgiveness is offered, we will be able to re-enter a state of deep connectedness with God. Another word for that connectedness is intimacy. A repentant heart, a broken heart, a contrite heart--these are the states of mind that God honors. Sin grieves God's heart, not only because of the repercussions in our lives, but also because living with an unrepentant heart makes it impossible to enjoy the holy presence of God. It's less than God not wishing our presence, and more because we just can't do it. We can't be intimate with the Holy One while we harbor sin because we will be so busy trying to keep the sin hidden from the penetrating light of God that we no longer have the ability to be fully present with God. Intimacy with another, be it human or divine, implies vulnerability and openness. The act of asking forgiveness, of praying "forgive us our trespasses," frees us from having to hide ourselves. It opens the door we have shut to a honest and trusting relationship with God. What do true repentance and confession entail? An acknowledgement of our wrongdoing, a willingness to make it right, and gratefulness for the forgiveness, never deserved but always offered, in the presence of God. The hidden messagesNow, let's look again at the words commonly spoken in our apologies and see the messages behind them:
Now if true repentance seeks the restoration of a relationship, what happens when we hear these words? Each of the statements above actually leaves the wronged person with a stronger sense of violation, and thus greater distance in the relationship, rather than with the hope of reconciliation. To clarify this, try putting these words in prayers of confession and see what happens. Our prayers might sound something like this:
Prayers like those are a short leap to: " I'm really sorry I killed that person in the car wreck last night, but if you hadn't created fermentation, it never would have happened. And I'm really sorry about all the people I slept around with, but if you hadn't made women (or men) it wouldn't have happened." All of these have a lot of similarity to a story we all know very well, "But Lord, I just listened to the women whom You gave to me." "And Lord, I just listened to the serpent which You created." What happened to the people who made those excuses? They got cast out of Paradise, away from their intimate walk with God and with each other. And what happens when our "confessions" sound like their self-justifications? The same thing. We lose our intimacy as well. These confessions leave us distanced from God. In the same way, our so-called apologies actually create distance between people, building up the walls of mistrust, making us less vulnerable, less open, less willing to bear, hope and believe all things for someone else. The real apologyWhen, then, does a real apology look like? When confessing before God, we might say, "I sinned against You and my spouse last night when I lost my temper. I did not live as one who is indwelt by the Spirit of God. I did not show patience or kindness or love. I was wrong. I need forgiveness." These words form the first steps for real change to take place. Going back to Nancy and Roy, what if Roy had said: "I blew it here. I may have meant no harm, but I was clearly insensitive to you and I'm sorry. I know you are in distress. I know I added to it. When you have the energy to think about it, I hope for your forgiveness." With these words, Roy takes responsibility for his own actions and acknowledges that actions have repercussions. He asks for, but does not demand forgiveness. This is important--while God may be able to forgive instantly, it takes most humans a little while to let our resentments and angers go. We would hope these words accompany a willingness to let God search his heart for other areas of insensitivity. All this, then, gives Nancy the opportunity to focus on her own heart, to see whether she can pray not just, "Forgive me my trespasses" but also "as I forgive the trespasses of others." Let's go back to our list of apologies and see what they might look like when made with a sense of personal responsibility and genuine repentance:
The differenceDo you see the difference? When we move from blaming everyone else, or "You are the problem" to taking responsibility for ourselves, or "I am the problem," we've moved from darkness to light, from separation to reconciliation. It's also very hard to do because all of a sudden, it's nobody's fault but our own. Imagine a sibling squabble that ended like this: "I started it. I went into my sister's room after she asked me not to. I took some of her stuff and ruined it. I was wrong and I'm willing to do some extra work to help replace what I destroyed." The apologizing sibling now has to follow through on those words--get some extra work, put aside the funds, and purchase a replacement item. A lot of time, work, energy gone--no wonder we want to blame someone else. Returning to Nancy and Roy: Roy's decision to blame Nancy for the misunderstanding will have some long-term repercussions. The whole situation caused her to rethink some decisions she was making concerning her career path. The potentiality of a mutually beneficial relationship no longer exists. Trust has been destroyed. I grieve for both of them, and I also know that I'm struggling with trusting Roy at this point again. More than that, I think God's heart also has filled with grief. This man and this woman, both overflowing with gifts and talents, openly profess their Christian beliefs. But they can not walk in Christian unity. And the world points at us and says, "If they can't get along with each other any better than that, why should I consider Christianity?" Apologies will always be necessary. You can't live among other human beings and not occasionally step on some toes, hurt others, and sometimes cause terrible damage. However, we will cause even greater damage by blaming someone else for our actions, words and attitudes. We all want to be forgiven, so let's learn how to ask for forgiveness with honesty and grace.
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